Today I stepped on the scale for the first time in 15 months.
Getting sober meant dealing with a new and huge sugar craving. I had already loved cake and sweets – but quitting drinking took that to a whole new level. I suppose the irony is that, what got me on a path of binge drinking, is the restrictive eating I was doing while trying to maintain intermittent fasting every day. I loved the results, but I was stressed out and thus, I drank.
The scale said 208. For a 5’9 woman that is well above a healthy weight. My happy weight is somewhere in the 170’s-180’s, but I haven’t been that weight in years, so who really knows. In 15 months, I have put on 20 pounds.
Getting sober has given me an entirely different perspective on life. If that is possible, maybe now is a good time to address my relationship with food. It has been tumultuous my whole life. Having been called fat since my early childhood – I am used to always being on a diet. Always feeling like I was too big for the room. Always feeling like no matter what I did – it wasn’t good enough because I was fat.
I have had the most success with intermittent fasting, and I’d like to try and get back in to that full time. I need to first get out of the mindset that I can eat “whatever” I want during my eating window. I am straight up overeating, and eating stuff that isn’t good for me, every single night of the freaking week. Thankfully I do not have my drinking to try and control and maintain within my eating hours. I think I will have a lot more success if I stick to it. I am going to try and make food that is a lot healthier – AND not allow myself to eat sugary treats every day. That is where my biggest problem now is – now that I’ve taken alcohol out of the equation.
I am calling it low refined sugar intermittent fasting. I will try to stick to 18-20 hours every day of fasting with a 4-6 hour eating window. That is more than enough time for a snack and a meal. I am not cutting natural sugars or trying to go low carb. I am just trying to get rid of the added sugar, the cakes and candy that I love so dearly, but have fallen short of providing me any kind of emotional relief or nutritional value.
Today was the first day I’ve resisted sweets and didn’t allow myself to have anything that was straight up sugar like cookies, candy, or ice cream. I was full from my meal, and then a little bit later allowed myself to have one of the banana oatmeal cups my son and I made the other day. They are not “sugar free” – but they did not have sugar or flour as one of the main ingredients, which is ideal for me right now. Small steps, better choices, conscious decisions for my health. Choosing the apple and peanut butter instead of the sugar cookie – you know, basic stuff that really isn’t that hard to think about!
As I dive deeper into sobriety I’m uncovering the layers that made up my dependence on alcohol. I think it is all connected to my own feelings about myself. Having always felt too much and never enough, I’ve attempted to fill the holes with food, attention, and now alcohol. Deep down I know of the love and affection that God has for me – but I struggle to remember daily that that love alone is enough to sustain me and meet every need I have. Lord, be near as I recover and reestablish my relationship with you!
Finishing this thought with a short gratitude list, today I’m thankful for:
- A clean home thanks to our lovely house cleaner
- A physical therapist who is thorough, kind, and helpful
- A wonderful son who is sweet, sensitive, and kind
- A colorful daughter who is funny, caring, and affectionate
- clean sheets on a freshly made bed
- The promise of a fun filled, sunshiney weekend